It’s hard for many people who have not been abused to understand the fears, agony, and self-worthiness a victim has faced or currently faces. I lived my life with regret, fear, pain, guilt, shame, doubt, low self-esteem, little faith and misperception and trust for men. There were many times I couldn’t look myself in the mirror because of the hate and blame for the abuse inflicted. Thoughts of not being beautiful crossed my mind very often. I even thought about killing myself because the abuse was so unbearable. I stood looking at a reflection of me, but on the other side staring back at me I saw bitterness. With hate boiling inside of me like a lake of fire; wondering why I am living.
Living past the abuse is the most difficult thing a person could experience. I guess the question would be for many “Why living past abuse is so difficult?” Well, for me it was being around one of my perpetrators all the time with no control. I was sexually abused by my father from 5-10 years old. Once that ended my mother’s boyfriend abused me from 10-13 years old. I lived in the same house as my perpetrator. My mother and family didn’t believe me and when they heard about the abuse they blamed the abuse on me. I did everything in my power to stay away from my perpetrator and to protect myself. I would go to the restroom at different times throughout the day. I would wear layers of clothes because I didn’t want my body revealed. At times, I would put my dresser behind my door when I was in my room sleep. I slept with the light on, in fear that he would be on top of me when I woke up. Each and every night my stomach would be spinning and hurting very bad that I would cry myself to sleep. In fear that he would abuse me again; wondering will and when will the abuse would stop.
The affect of being abused at a young age led to premarital relations with various men and two children out of wedlock. I was doing so many different things at a young age that I didn’t care about myself and didn’t respect my body as a temple of God. When I finally moved out my mother house at 18, I thought I could handle my past abuse by shutting down and never ever disclosing what happened again. However, the more I realized I hadn’t healed the more emotionally unstable I was, especially in relationships. I found myself repeating the cycle of being with abusive people, whether it was verbally, emotionally, or physicall. Being abused is what I thought was love.
However, when I read Queen Latifah story my heart was saddened and crushed. I always felt like I had a deep connection with Queen Latifah. After I read her story, I now understand the connection. I could understand her turmoil, anger, fear, frustration, and pain she held within tucked so deeply. Being violated by someone is devastated and very traumatic! It creates seeds of bitterness, self-worthiness, anger, hostility, hopelessness, trust for people, and animosity toward other people especially men. You just don’t understand "why this happened to you." The person who violated you steals your happiness, joy, innocence, and trust. You feel embarrassed, ashamed, guilty and fearful. You spend most of your life trying to build up trust for men but always wonder “what if,” it happens again.
I finally lived past the hurt and pain, I have embraced the new me in so many different ways. The thought of being ugly doesn’t exist anymore. I am very successful! When I put God first he showed me all my talents, abilities and skills. I give all the honor and praise to God who is the head of my life. I have a loving church family who loves me for me and is nonjudgmental. I am very active in my church and have started minister classes as well. Glory be to God!
I speak intimately and deeply to women about my abuse, hoping to help encourage and heal many women of various backgrounds. Most women never get a chance to experience a healthy and fulfilled life once you move past the hurt.
Ladies, I pray that you love, trust and embrace the new you today!
Michelle, the author of "Shh...Don't Tell" and soon to be released "Nurture Your Soul."
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
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